If you follow this blog or have ever read anything on this blog, the constant theme would be pain in the midst of struggle. You’ll notice a mindset that travels up and down, left and right. Sometimes strength is in what I think and other times weaknesses find themselves in the core of my mind keeping me frozen in time, crippled by fear and encumbered by insecurity. Not just insecurity in my physical appearance, but also in my ability to relate, in my job and in my lifestyle. I sometimes find that if I live in my head, the manipulating process is much easier to maneuver, knowing I can dispel thoughts and I can dwell on them also. The bad thing about all this is that the bad thoughts tend to stay, while the positive ones needs a positive push from an outside source cause surely the strength simply cannot be found in me.
Physically I am imposing, 225lbs 6feet tall, muscular black man. I am imposing, physically but mentality I am weak, mentally I do struggle which somehow translates itself physically. This physical weakness may not be seen by others because we tend to hide it so well, but oh God we are dying inside and out. Pulling myself to the battlefield that is my mind, living inside trying to save what’s on the outside. Peace surrounds me but my mind is a mess….how, how do I overcome???
We all have secrets, some secrets we tell others and there are some secrets no one knows about. These are the secrets that challenges us, these are the secrets that oppresses us and threatens to expose us…as if our past will not leave our present and therefore threatens our future. These secrets we tell no one…we just battle them in our minds…trying to stop, trying to quit….trying but oftentimes failing. We struggle, wounded and dejected after yet another bout and yet another loss. Some of us haven’t won this year after being bullied and kicked around all of last year by bad habits that we cannot break.
My friend, if you choose to follow this blog….over the next few weeks we will go in depth, we will scour the corners of our minds together and we’ll climb out bloody, sweaty and some injured but my friend, we’ll climb out!