So cry with me

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I hate those times when I find myself having fun and the still fresh memories of a life I once had interrupts my smile and stops my ears from listening. I can no longer hear what’s going on around me or even notice that everyone else is having fun and though a second ago I was engrossed in the conversation and enjoying myself, a simple thought changed all that. Hearing about a place we used to visit or mentioning a song we once loved, anything said in any conversation acts like a bell that triggers a memory that turns my smile into a frown.  There’s a brokeness there but I do a pretty good job of hiding it for what’s the use of anyone seeing how hurt and confused you are and what’s the use of anyone noticing how dark your emotions have become if they can’t really feel your pain or understand your hurt? This isn’t about being strong, I’ve told myself to be strong throughout everything, but why can’t I break down and cry every now and then, why can’t I cleanse my soul with tears until there’s no more to shed.  It takes courage to cry because it’s me admitting to myself that I feel pain, it’s me telling myself that it’s not okay right now and I don’t know if it’s ever going to be okay again so I cry. The funny thing about tears is that it starts to flow because of pain but it stops flowing because of hope. Hope that things will get better, hope that there’s more for me, hope that my heart isn’t so badly damaged that it will never love again.  I know that pain kept inside and tears that aren’t allowed to flow produces bitterness and unforgiveness, so let me cry, it actually makes me feel better. I’m not always going to feel like being brave, I am not always going to feel like moving on is the right thing to do and though for a moment I can be encouraged, when I am alone again I’m going to want to cry. You cannot protect me from the memory that presents the experience that brings the pain that causes the tears. It’s not going to kill me and its not a sign that I am weak. Tears don’t say I’m sad, it doesn’t say I’ve given up but it’s the heart’s way of saying “I can still feel, I can still love.”  If you see me crying, put your arms around me, cry with me, wipe my tears but don’t tell me to be strong….don’t tell me to forget about it, don’t tell me it’s for the best. While my tears are flowing and my heart is breaking all I want to know is that I have a friend that truly understands and crying with me tells me you’re feeling the exact same thing I’m feeling. So cry with me….

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