Love strikes whether you’re ready or not

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A crowded room yet all she sees is him…trouble, trouble, her intuitions warns her. Her good sense tells her he is just like the rest, he looks like the rest but she’s drawn to him like she’s drawn to the rest. She wants to stop looking now, because the more she looks the less like the rest he looks. Her eyes are playing tricks on her and her heart is trying to deceive her. She’s gone through this before, she has dated guys like him and it never works out and she’s left broken and unsure of herself. Her confidence is shaken and her smile is broken, but he doesn’t care, his love has run out or maybe he gave it to someone else. She’s being a bit presumptuous because she hasn’t even met him yet. She hasn’t mustered the courage to walk over and even though he looks back at her with a smile so inviting that it makes her heart skip, it’s not enough, it doesn’t guarantee anything at this point. The thoughts are running through her head and every time she decides to take a step, a memory haunts her, she remembers the sleepless nights she remembers the lies she was told and the girls that came before her even though she was supposed to be his one and only. That’s how broken she is, that’s how defensive she’s become. Every guy becomes a heartbreaker to her, every guy becomes a love taker, but never gives it back. What if she gives him this love? Is there a way to be sure that he will love her in return, is there a way just to see? Maybe he can show her first, maybe he can suggest where to go on their first date, how about their second? Can they just fast forward to the end and see if its still them, because if its not, then why bother? That way no one gets hurt and she would be sure love will be returned once she gives it. Ok, what is she doing, what is she saying? There’s no way to find out, there’s no way to be sure. A part of her says to walk over, but that part is so scarred that it wont budge. It’s way too early, that part is too weak, too hurt…that part has simply shut down. But it’s been months, she should be strong by now, she should be ready again shouldn’t she? Pep talks can’t get her going, she simply cannot move, not because she’s afraid she can’t have him, but she’s afraid she won’t be able to keep him. She’s afraid once it starts, it must end and the end is what hurts. She’s afraid to carve a hole in her heart and just fit him there, because if he leaves, who’s gonna fit? She’s left with the daunting task of just watching a heart fit for someone to reshape itself, to get itself ready to love again. A heart that trusts no one, a heart that beats for love but shuts down for pain. She wants to say hey, but what after that? She can’t hide how hurt she is, he’ll notice soon enough and he’ll call her crazy because she asks too many questions or she holds on too tight, but that’s just the effects of her walking over way too early. She’s not ready, She’s not strong enough yet to handle another heartbreak. She’s tired of being a play by play, she’s tired of being on someone’s bench waiting for her opportunity, she’s tired of being a one night stand or just another girl. She wants to be THE girl, the one he will point at and happily say, “that’s my Baby,” someone that actually likes her for who she is inside and out. Someone that will want to be in a relationship and not just a two week thing. She’s tired of feeling alone and helpless. She’s tired of laying down in her bed with nothing but cold sheets to hold…she just wants to be loved. Is it worth it? The short walk over to say hello can be a long walk back to loneliness months from now, is it worth it? It’s just like love to strike whether its a good idea or not. Her thoughts are done now, she’s made up her mind, she’s gonna let this one go. Her heart is simply not strong enough. Yeah it’s sorta healed but still fragile enough to fall apart at the first sign of trouble. She decides its just not worth it. 

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